Angelus's Vampire Journal

Angelus's Journal

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10 entries this month

← Apr 2011

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**Giggles**
15:45 May 30 2011
Times Read: 777

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

.

.

.

.

>>> "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

COMMENTS

DestroyingAngel
18:49 May 30 2011

Oh geeeez

*rolls eyes and laughs*

RedQueen
06:37 Jun 01 2011

Damn son...really? lol

dabbler
16:51 Jun 02 2011

another pun well set

**Giggles**
01:20 May 27 2011
Times Read: 793

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.

When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.

When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.

When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24" WAIST and

34" HIPS

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

COMMENTS

dabbler
16:44 May 29 2011

Ha ha

**Giggles**
00:57 May 26 2011
Times Read: 809

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without any warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.

'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father.

'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful.

Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

COMMENTS

GalFriday
22:35 May 26 2011

Oh my...

Vidiana
23:57 May 26 2011

LOL!

NLW
08:42 May 27 2011

Haha!!

**Giggles**
16:01 May 23 2011
Times Read: 818

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals...

COMMENTS

DestroyingAngel
14:13 May 25 2011

ROFL!

I almost choked on my coffee...

Vidiana
00:04 May 27 2011

Nice one! XD

**Giggles**
00:41 May 22 2011
Times Read: 833

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .

COMMENTS

bandnrd
02:54 May 22 2011

HAHAHAHAHA!

Vidiana
00:04 May 27 2011

Hahaha! Bravo!!!

**Giggles**
12:03 May 19 2011
Times Read: 851

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.

I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and Ice Cream.

It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies.

"Good luck mate. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

COMMENTS

xxEmaeraldxx
23:28 May 19 2011

Lol

DestroyingAngel
18:49 May 20 2011

*hangs head and laughs*

**Giggles**
12:12 May 18 2011
Times Read: 860

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10, a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa.

"The hundred is from Grandma!"

COMMENTS

ladySnowStrixx
19:12 May 18 2011

Oh lord!! TOO FUNNY!

bandnrd
02:33 May 19 2011

LMFAO!

dabbler
00:11 May 21 2011

har har

**Giggles**
01:02 May 16 2011
Times Read: 870

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of

his altar boys, Little Johnny.

The first day Little Johnny paints the entire inside of the house; he's sweating

like hell but eventually gets it finished.

The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5.

Little Johnny looks at the money and says to the priest, 'Thanks very

much Father. . . . You're a virgin.'

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day Little Johnny has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really

hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.

The priest looks at the job and this time gives Little Johnny another $5 bill.

Once again Little Johnny looks at the money and says, 'Thanks very much Father,

you really are a virgin.'

At this stage the priest decides to take action. 'Little Johnny,' he

says, 'that's twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what

the word means?'

'Yes,' says Little Johnny, 'it means a tight cunt!'

COMMENTS

dabbler
16:52 May 17 2011

Haha

**Giggles**
00:56 May 15 2011
Times Read: 879

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose.

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.

God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

COMMENTS

dabbler
17:05 May 15 2011

har har needed a good chuckle today thanks

DestroyingAngel
17:43 May 15 2011

Oh wow! LOL.

**Giggles**
00:10 May 11 2011
Times Read: 894

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old

to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing

home at $4,000 per month.

*

“You know why a woman’s work is never done?” asked Albert.

“No. Why?” His friend Big Tony replied.

“Because they don’t get up early enough,” Albert explained.

*

The only reason I would take up walking

is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,

before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

*

“Did you know,” began Albert, “Dolphin’s are so smart, that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish?”

*

I joined a health club last year,

spent about 250 bucks.

Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

*

One of Albert’s old hound-dogs looked to the other and said, “What sort of best friend would remove your testicles?”

*

I do have flabby thighs,

but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day

is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

*

Albert sighed and looked to Big Tony, then told him over a beer, “A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and, the lawn mower is broken.”

*

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise

the last few years... just getting over the hill.

*

Albert looked to Big Tony, as he poured a glass of whiskey and muttered aloud, “When you think of it, God has to be the best inventor: He took a spare rib… and, made a loudspeaker.”

*

We all get heavier as we get older,

because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much

about how I look,

I just find a pub with a Happy Hour

and by the time I leave,

I look just fine.

*

Big Tony and Albert sat on a bench-seat, overlooking the lake. Albert drawled, “My wife said, ‘whattcha doin today?’ I said ‘Nothin’ an, she said, ‘you did that yesterday’ and I told her ‘I wasn’t finished.’”

*